Here We Go Again? of the Day: 14-year-old Lexi St. George, the latest pop music product to roll off the Ark Music Factory assembly line, was “discovered” by CEO Patrice Wilson at a shopping mall casting call sponsored by GMA.
That’s right: Patrice Wilson — the man responsible for inflicting a second Black Plague on unsuspecting Earthicans — was hired by Good Morning America to turn a “regular teenager” into “a star” based on “what [he] did for Rebecca Black.” What could go right?
St. George isn’t all that different from her fun-having predecessor: She’s a shallow, carefree, bubbly Barbie with a Lolita edge singing lyrics like “everyone is here and I am having so much fun” to a tune as generic as a bottle of Sam’s Cola. But she does look like Emma Watson, which never hurt anybody. And she can kinda sing.
“I don’t want people comparing and saying she’s the next Rebecca Black,” says Wilson. “With this project, it’s a bit of a different thing.” By “different” do you mean “won’t make listeners want to leap off tall buildings to their untimely demise?” Because that’s certainly a change I’m on board with.
Life Imitates Art of the Day: The offices of Portland-based lawyer Randal Acker happen to be housed inside a quaint 1894 Queen Anne Victorian surrounded by ongoing construction associated with Portland State University, so he did what anyone in a similar situation would do: He tied a bunch of balloon to the house a la the now-classic scene from Pixar’s Up.
To add to the realism, Acker’s “Figo House” was nearly seized by TriMet through eminent domain a few years back. “I told them that if I had to do eminent domain law for the next two years to save the house, I would do it,” Acker said. He organized a protest and managed to get TriMet to back down.
RIP Society of the Day: Oxford Dictionaries Online this week “legitimized” several long-standing Internetisms by adding them to the authoritative dictionary’s digital counterpart.
Among the previously esoteric terms your grandma can now define at her leisure are “NSFW,” “ZOMG,” “newb,” and “nekkid,” which the dictionary illustrates with the phrase “some of the oldest photos in existence are of nekkid women.”
They sure are.
Before And After of the Day: Missourian Aaron Fuhrman — a self-taught landscape photographer — has been traveling around Joplin, photographing heartrending panoramic shots of the devastation left in the aftermath of Sunday’s tornado.
Fuhrman lined up one of these panoramic photos with a Google Street View screencap of the same intersection to illustrate the comprehension-challenging extent of damage caused by the twister.
Third Follow Up of the Day: Remember this sign? Well, as wacky as it is, its backstory is even wackier: So this 50-year-old woman from Dayton who reportedly phones up the police several times a day to make “false or unsubstantiated claims” put these signs up around town to draw attention to a neighbor she suspected was a drug dealer. The residents at the address listed called to cops and claimed that Tim (of “Tim’s Illegal Drugs & Trade”) lost his job because of the sign.
When officers arrived at the Brookline Ave home to discuss additional hardship charges the family may want to bring against the sign poster, they asked for permission to make sure there were indeed no drugs on the premises. Wouldn’t you know it, they found a 3-foot-tall marijuana plant growing in the bedroom.
Asked to explain himself, Tim responded that “it was for personal use and that he found it in a trashcan.” He added that it was plain to see he wasn’t a drug dealer because, if he was, he’d “live better.” Tim is now sitting in the Montgomery County Jail, and will likely be charged with illegal cultivation of drugs.
Long story short, don’t call the cops to complain that someone is falsely claiming that you’re a drug dealer when you have a 3-foot pot plant in your bedroom.
[ddn / thanks parris!]
Photo of the Day: When her fiance abruptly called off their wedding to marry someone else, Li-Wan — still in her wedding dress — climbed onto the window ledge of a building in Changchun, China, and jumped off.
Luckily, a local care worker named Guo Zhongfan managed to grab hold of the distressed damsel’s neck at the very last moment, thereby saving her life. She was eased back in by several helpful strangers.
“I did what anyone would have done,” the modest hero later told reporters.
Father-Son Moment of the Day: In its latest round of housecleaning, CBS canceled its promising, yet ultimately banal sitcom $h*! My Dad Says. Justin Halpern, the comedy writer whose dad’s mercurial musings formed the basis for the novelty Twitter account upon which the show is based, broke the news to his dad over the phone.
Their conversation offers perhaps the most honest explanation for why the show was ultimately canceled: It may have been a decent show, but compared to the things Justin’s dad actually says, it was sh*t.
So yesterday the TV show based off the twitter feed, and my book, Shit My Dad Says, was cancelled. I worked on the show for the last year. It was a bummer, until I remembered that I got a TV show based off a twitter feed and a book and was basically the luckiest asshole who ever roamed this earth. Anyway, I decided I should call my dad to give him the news.
“Hey. What do you need. I’m busy,” he said.
“Do you have a second?” I said.
“Is this Justin?” he said.
“Yeah. Who’d you think it was?“
“Didn’t know. Just picked up the phone.”
“You didn’t know who it was and you answered the phone with ‘Hey. What do you need? I’m busy?,” I asked.
“Let’s people know not to f*ck around with my time,” he said.
“My show got cancelled,” I said.
There was a moment of silence on the other end of the line and I wasn’t sure if he heard me. I was about to say it again, when he spoke.
“Well. F*ck. Sorry to hear that, son.”
“Eh, it’s okay. It happens. It was crazy I got a show on the air in the first place.”
“Well, I liked it. It was kind of sh*tty at first, but I thought it got a lot better. You know what show I like? Cheers. That was a good show,” he said.
“That was a good show,” I said, wondering if that was part of a larger point he was about to make.
“Also I liked The Simpsons. At first I thought, it’s just a stupid cartoon for pants-sh*tters, but I was wrong, great show.” (Pants-sh*tters is how my dad refers to toddlers.)
“Well, I just wanted to let you know. I know you’re busy so I’ll let you go,” I said.
“I‘m 75. If you’re busy when you’re seventy five, you f*cked up the first seventy five years. I want you to know that I’m proud of you. You didn’t put a bullet through Bin Laden but I’m proud of you. You’re a bust-ass kid.”
“Thanks,” I said.
“And let’s not forget the big picture here. You don’t have to live with me anymore. One less person crawling up your ass every morning. That’s all anyone can f*cking ask for.”
Breaking News of the Day: In a move that will shock absolutely no one who has a passing familiarity with the middling magnate’s publicity tactics, Donald Trump has officially announced that he will not be seeking the GOP’s 2012 presidential nomination.
“I maintain the strong conviction that if I were to run, I would be able to win the primary and ultimately, the general election,” Trump says in a typically smug statement. “Ultimately, however, business is my greatest passion and I am not ready to leave the private sector.”
Moving right along.
Facial Expression of the Day: Though it’s reasonable to assume that all attendees at yesterday’s Democratic National Committee event in Austin were excited to see President Obama in person, no one was quite as elated as Super Excited To Meet The President Man.
He’s waited his entire life to exercise his otherwise useless superpower — but it was worth it.